Okay. I fly for work, and those flights always begin between 5:30 am and 6:30 am. I get to travel to exotic destinations like Dallas and Houston, and sometimes even San Antonio! The flight isn’t long enough for me to carry a book or to spend $5 on a magazine at the airport, so I’ve started reading the in flight magazine provided on all Continental and Southwest Flights: SKYMALL. Now, every time I pick up this WASTE OF A DEAD TREE I cannot believe the CRAP that is in this magazine. I’m always left wondering: 1) Do people actually buy this crap? 2) Who actually invented the SkyMall magazine? 3) Why does the SkyMall magazine fascinate me? (Oh yeah, I’m easily entertained. Plus, when I fly Southwest I usually get a free drink on the plane ride home, so I’m extra easily entertained after sucking down a free glass of wine on a 30 min. flight.) So…..here is my rendition of the ‘best of.’ I have been tearing pictures out of SkyMall magazine over the past year. If you get on a flight and there is a page missing from your SkyMall magazine, it’s probably my fault. So in no particular order:
1. The Voice Interactive Alarm Clock
Price: 49.95
Shut the Hell Up!
Product Description:
This unique alarm clock uses advanced speech recognition technology that lets you easily set the time and alarm via voice commands and responds to queries such as “What time is it?” with vocalized answers. The unit recognizes 10 spoken commands, including “Set alarm,” “Set time,” “Check alarm,” “What is the date?,” “Alarm sound” (buzzer, chime, or bell), “Stop” (snooze for 5 minutes), and “Temperature” (current room temperature).
Ashley’s Description:
This is a disaster waiting to happen. If there was a video camera in my bedroom that recorded all the things I have to say in the morning to my alarm clock, it might be classified as rated “R”, and that’s on a good day. I wonder if you can program it to say “Shut the hell up!!!”
2. Big Foot Garden Sculpture
Price: 98.95
Honey, I'm Home!
Product Description:
With his characteristically big feet, our over two-foot- tall Garden Yeti will have guests doing a double-take as they admire your creative gardening style! With alleged sightings the world over from the highest Himalayas to the northwest United States, this elusive, mythical legend has been captured exclusively for toscano in quality designer resin and finely hand-painted for startling realism.
Ashley’s Description:
Seriously? SERIOUSLY??? The next friend that sends me a wedding invite is getting this as a gift.
3. Not to be outdone: The Meerkat Gang
Price: 85.00
Here kitty kitty...
Product Description:
Sculpted at over two feet tall from their characteristic sentry stance to their long thin tails, this charming trio of meerkats is sure tot turn heads in your home or garden! This Toscano exclusive sculpt is hand painted to replicate their fawn-hued fur and black patches on eyes, ears and paws.
Ashley’s Description:
If you have this in your yard I will sneak over while you are asleep, blow off their little heads with a firecracker, and leave the heads on your front stoop. That’s what you get for actually paying $85.00 for this crap.
4. Regional Clothing
Price: Varies
Caveat: On my recent flight to California I sat by a guy we’ll call Earl. Earl was wearing a shirt that said “Git er dun”. No, really. He also smelled strongly of old spice and drank scotch and water. Four of them. Then he asked to borrow my headphones. He also scratched. A Lot. Gross. I bet Earl bought his shirt from the SkyMall catalog. I bet Earl gets lots of ladies.
Howdy. I'm ridiculous.
You'll get all the ladies with this shirt....
I really can't judge anyone for sleeping in a tshirt. But I can judge you for wearing this one....
5. Foot Alignment Socks
Price: 19.95
If my toes didn't look like fingers I'd consider buying these...
Product Description:
Soft, fluffy fabric hugs your feet and aligns your toes to provide instant relief from aches and pains. You’ll appreciate how good it feels to wear these socks, whether your foot pain is the result of “foot problems,” a long day of errands or a good, brisk walk. Even sleep in them! Machine washable acrylic/polyester/elastene.
Ashley’s Description:
No. Just don’t do it.
6. Dog Suitcase
Price: 19.95-139.95
This dog is thinking: "God, wait! You gave me the wrong owner!"
Product Description:
These Animal Planet products for your pet make travel with them more convenient.Each item comes in its own deluxe color box with the Animal Planet logo. Perfect for gift giving to your favorite pet lover!
Ashley’s Description:
Why? What? Why? Everyone who owns a jerk dog like mine knows that this will never work. Ever. This is a lawsuit waiting to happen.
7. Inversion Stretch Station
Price: 199.95
One glass of wine and this could have a very bad ending...
Product Description:
Here is a natural, non-invasive method of treating back pain. It’s not new – Hippocrates prescribed this type of treatment two thousand years ago. Today, hospitals and doctors prescribe inversion therapy to elongate the spine, helping increase the space between the vertebrae while relieving the pressure on discs, ligaments and nerve roots.By placing your body in line with the downward force of gravity, you feel less pressure and less back pain. Three position bench rotates to various angles. If you are under a Doctor’s care for your back, please consult prior to usage.
Ashley’s Description:
While I’ve always wanted to try one of these out, I could only do it after a glass of wine due to nerves. That would end in something very bad. Period.
Last but not least:
8. The Summer Footed PJ’s
Price: 59.99-76.99
My milkshake does not bring the boys to the yard...
Product Description:
For the ‘big kid’ in all of us, now the same footed pajamas you loved when you were a child are available in adult sizes!For those hot summer days and nights at the cottage, our classic footed pajamas are now made with the same MOISTURE ABSORBING fabric technology used in the latest yoga and sportswear.Soft, lightweight, and breathable, this amazing fabric is also antibacterial–so you stay clean and cool as you fly into style and comfort!!A unique gift idea–perfect for pre-teens, teens, and adults!
Ashley’s Description:
1) No one wore these pj’s when they were little because they wanted to. We wore them because our mothers made us wear them. They are hot, itchy, and gross. 2) If I buy these for you as a gift you can guarantee that I don’t like you.
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So that sums it up. There are so many other options for this post, but this summarizes my favorites. Check out www.skymall.com for more crap, or just look at the magazine the next time you fly. I’m sure by then they’ll have invented more useless crap to sell to tired, semi-tipsy business travelers like me.
