DISCLAIMER: In the midst of my need to change the blog name/buy a website/set up said website, I decided to make an entire blog set-up change. This is still Ashley’s blog. But there’s more than one way to skin a cat. Moving on….
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I cannot believe I am actually awake at 1:19 am, writing about reality t.v. Insomnia is totally overrated.
I originally wrote this post last week. The original premise was going to be “The History of the Hills” v. “Boys I have dated who I watched the Hills with.” When I logged in last Thursday, it was gone. I think God was sending me a sign by erasing the post. All of my ex-boyfriends can thank him for that.
When I look back at every reality show I have ever watched, there is one that sticks out the most in my mind: MTV’s “The Hills.” If you aren’t familiar with the MTV show “The Hills”, it airs on Monday nights.
(Clockwise from the left) Idiot, Audrina, Whitney, L.C.
If I were feeling creative I would type this part myself, but I’m not- so from the always reliable Wikipedia:
After the MTV program Laguna Beach: The Real Orange County became one of the network’s highest rated programs, producers wanted to continue the story of one of its more popular characters, Lauren (“LC”), as she moved to Los Angeles. After the cameras turned off for Kristin Cavallari, Stephen Colletti, and the rest of the Laguna Beach cast, those same cameras stayed on to follow Conrad as she pulled out of the driveway of her childhood home in Laguna to an apartment in Los Angeles. Initially, she lives with her friend, Heidi, attends the Fashion Institute of Design and Merchandising, and lands an internship with Teen Vogue. The cameras follow her daily and capture whatever unfolds. There is “structure” provided to the program, as real life develops day by day and most dramatic events generally occur while being filmed.
(This is Ashley talking again). So, after thinking about it, I’ve decided to break down the last 5 years of my life compared to the Hills. You see, The Hills has been a HUGE part of my life. It’s how I get up on Monday mornings. It’s how I actually make it through a Monday. It’s almost a prerequisite to date me: other requirements include a) you like/tolerate/are willing to take allergy medicine for cats b) will leave me alone during dancing with the stars c) like vacation and d) love Jesus. See, I’m not picky.
2004: Wayyyy back in 2004 (yikes, I’m old), a show called Laguna Beach premiered on MTV. I was recently out of college, working, and pretty much figuring out that life as an adult SUCKS is so great!, so a t.v. show that followed the lives of rich high school kids running around Orange County was just what I needed. Just what I needed to make myself want to slit my wrists go to law school. I had just moved to Houston. I was obsessed with working out. My boyfriend at the time, Paul Rudd(*name have been changed!) was still in the town we went to college in. He did look exactly like Paul Rudd though. I was bored. Laguna Beach and Lost were my life. On Laguna Beach, the gang was still in high school. L.C. and Kristen were fighting over that brown headed douche bag, Stephen. What a tool. L.C. was obnoxious, Kristen was stupid, and L.C.’s bffffff “LO” (kinda like, shorty got low low low low low low low low of Apple Bottom Jeans fame) is/was so annoying.
2005: Laguna Beach was still alive and kicking. I had upped my standards by this point in my life, apparently, because I had broken up with Paul Rudd. I had also acquired The Spawn of Satan/Quincy/The Dog. L.C. was still in high school, drinking too much and probably doing illegal drugs, but I didn’t care. I was in law school. Law school is pretty much the worst experience ever. Don’t listen to what anyone says. If you like to spend your time locked in a library reading countless judicial opinions, dealing with annoying people who are destined to be plaintiff’s attorneys, and drinking an insane amount of coffee- go to law school. I actually do the same thing now except I drink a lot more water, listen to music while I work, and have a pet fish in my office named Bob. Bob is a pretty cool fish. Since I used up all my good brain cells studying I had to come home and watch this trash.
2006: L.C. graduated from high school (tear). But she moved to L.A.! (happy face!) The name of the show changed to “the Hills”. (I guess L.A. is hilly. I have never been there.) If you think that’s far away, you’re wrong. Google maps just told me it’s 52.8 miles. That would be like driving from Houston to the Woodlands. I guess you need a theme song and a convertible if you are going to make that drive. What would the Texas theme song be? Thoughts to ponder. L.C. started interning at teen vogue. What was I doing America? I was working too- at a lawfirm. Boooorrriinnng. Whitney was also introduced to the cast. And Audrina. I always thought Audrina looked like a cat in the face, but don’t tell her I said that. And as someone pointed out to me yesterday, Audrina seems like a nice person, if you can forget that she’s a little (sorry mom) slutty. Whitney, in my opinion, is the only sane person on this show. Whitney is, in fact, the only castmember with any dignity left. I think there was also a sex tape involved in this season-something about Idiot and Lion Face (see below) getting in a fight with L.C….. I forgot.
2007: 2007 was a big year for me. I basically studied for the bar exam/went nuts for 2 months. I actually told the guy I was dating at the time that I couldn’t talk to him while I was studying for the bar. I told him I’d call him July 27th, when it was over. But guess what I found time to watch on Mondays??? Yep! I wonder if me watching The Hills in the law school break room had anything to do with me passing the bar the first time? I think it probably did…..Anywho, I am about 99% sure this is when L.C. started dating Brody Jenner. Ironically, I wrote about this douche bag’s stepsisters last week in the Kardashian post. See how Hollywood works? Nepotism at it’s finest.
2008: In 2008 I started dating this guy who did not follow the two cardinal rules you must follow when dating me: 1) We must watch the Hills and then discuss and 2) you absolutely CANNOT talk to me during Dancing with the Boobs. It’s one hour a week. I would have been totally willing to talk to him 23 hours every day of the week, but not Mondays at 8. Plus, he didn’t like the Hills. We obviously didn’t have much in common. So I broke up with him. Oh, and he hated cats. FAIL. By this point L.C. had really befriended the person I like to refer to as “the idiot” (aka: Heidi). Idiot dated this guy named Lion face (aka: Spencer). He really does look like a lion. There was much drama. What was I doing America? Working at a lawfirm. As a real lawyer. I think that’s when my obsession with reality t.v. really took off. Something about the ability to come home and zone out made life a little easier. Lion face’s sister Stephanie also joined the show. Stephanie might possibly be the dumbest person I have ever seen in my entire life. I often think she has no brain. Seriously. Ding dong. No one’s home.
2009: I’m single. L.C. is single/dating someone but I can’t pin down the name of the loser. Audrina is sleeping with Brody (who has a girlfriend that is super mean, in my opinion). Lo (low low low low low low ) is still on the show and from what I can tell, is working as a “assistant” (glorified slave) to some big wig in L.A. The idiot and lion face are married (not on the show, but in real life). Wow. Lion Face’s sister is still dumb. Whitney has moved to NYC and has her own show. What a turn this show has taken.
And here we are folks, five incredibly stressful years later, and I am STILL WATCHING THIS TRASH. I am a professional for peets sake. A lawyer. I do intellectual thinks all day. Yet I DVR this mess. What has this show taught me? Here’s a list:
1. If your friend is named Lo, you need to be wary. She’s probably not very smart.
2. Pinkberry yogurt looks tasty.
3. Being a reality t.v. star will make you rich, but not smart.
4. If your boyfriend looks like a lion, he’s probably a tool.
5. The fashion industry is run by mean, old women who obviously aren’t very happy with themselves.
6. Sleeping with someone else’s boyfriend in Hawaii won’t make them very happy.
7. If you go out in L.A. you have to wear high heels. This is why I will never move to L.A. I have never seen a pair of flip flops on this show. FAIL.
8. Going to Vegas makes you cool. Hanging out with Brody Jenner does not make you cool.
9. Idiot and Lion Head live in Lion Head’s parent’s basement (learned that at the grocery store whilst perusing Star Magazine in the checkout line.)
10. If you know your friend is incompetent don’t suggest your boss hire her because you will look like an idiot.
11. Its cool to spell out what you are thinking instead of just saying the word-b-e-a-utiful.
12. You can only go to the club if you know there is going to be a bitch fight-I mean come on! What would be the fun of going to relax?
13. The only place to have a serious conversation is in the back alley in your beamer-the dramatic walk away adds so much more than just waiting till you get home and can talk to the person that you live with.
14. Men wearing capris and looking like they have not showered in days is hot-oh wait no. No it is not.
15. L.C. is not as dumb as I originally thought she was five years ago. If L.C. can change, anyone can.
Happy Hills watching, grasshoppa!
3 Comments
May 18, 2009 at 10:08 am
FYI… 10-14 I am totally taking credit for!! Otherwise it plagerism, you wouldn’t plagiarize would you?
and partial credit for the disclaimer, without my lemonade you would be totally lost.
May 18, 2009 at 10:11 am
Yes. I will give you credit for 10-14. I will also give your Whole Foods Lemonade credit for my new favorite quote, “There is more than one way to skin a cat.” I’m hoping I can work that into some kind of legal scenario this week…..
May 18, 2009 at 10:57 pm
Um, this is my favorite blog post yet!