So it’s been a week and a half since Henry died, and to be honest I’m still really sad about it. I feel like talking about it to people makes me feel better, in a sense, because I get to share the memory of him with other people. At the same time, I’m sure some of my friends/co-workers are starting to wonder when “the weirdo girl is going to stop talking about her dead cat.”
I still blame myself. Everyday. The what if’s could go on and on forever. What if I hadn’t gone to SMF’s house everyday the week before he died to watch the US Open? What if I had been home with Henry instead? Would I have known he was sick? What if I had taken him to the vet the very morning I knew something was wrong, instead of waiting until lunch? What if I had just paid X amount of money, let the vet turn him into a girl (basically), and kept him alive? What if I had let them re-cath him one last time, to see if it would work? The truth is I’ll never know. I’ll never know if what I did or didn’t do had any affect on the outcome. And I know that most of you reading this are probably thinking, “Really Nutcase? It’s a cat. Run on down to the animal shelter and get yourself another one.” BUT HE WASN’T JUST A CAT TO ME DAMMIT!
He was my family. My makeshift, screwed up family that inhabits my 700 square foot apartment. My family that sheds, and steps on my face at 3am, and caterwauls at 5am when they want to be fed. They have become such an integral part of my life that Henry’s passing has been much more of a ‘perspective tragedy’ than one that I just can’t understand. The value of the people (and pets) in my life have taken on a whole new value since Henry died- meaning, I’ve put things in perspective.
I recently read an article on the internet about pets dying and feeling guilty about what you could have/would have/should have done to keep it from happening. The man said “the foundation of our relationships with our pets are based on forgiveness. They forgive you for not coming home and feeding them on time, for shooing them away off your lap, for not spending enough time with them. You forgive them for chewing up things, scratching the furniture, and doing things they shouldn’t. Therefore, we shouldn’t FEEL guilty for our pet’s death- instead we should know that they have forgiven us because they always have.”
I think about him everyday. Several times a day. I still watch his video everyday. And I hope, HOPE, that he has forgiven me. Unfortunately, it’s going to take more time before I can forgive myself.
