Instead of “Dancing with the Boobs” I think I’ll call it “Dancing with the Moobs.”

Because I’m pretty sure I saw tons of man boobs last night on DWTB. And I haven’t finished watching it because I really really wanted to finish this book that I’ve been reading for the past month (lame) but I PROMISE to watch it soon. They had a man-only night last night, followed by the ladies tonight, and the kick-off show Wednesday. Thankfully church softball was cancelled so I can watch the ladies tonight! I’m sure SMF will be so excited. Not.

In other news- my dad and step mom went to the taping of the Letterman show yesterday. Way cool! I dvr’d that too- and I hope that I can see them. I want to go to a taping of Dancing with the Boobs. I bet I’d have to ‘know’ someone……and I don’t ‘know’ anyone. DO YOU KNOW SOMEONE WHO CAN GET ME TICKETS???? PRETTY PLEASE?????????

On to happier things…..

Tonight is the season premier of Dancing with the Stars, and I’M SO FREAKING EXCITED! I’ll be sure and fill you in on the details tomorrow. Until then, a friend of mine took this picture of Henry on my birthday, and I just found it this morning:

Henry the lover.

Henry. 4/14/06-9/16/09

This is by far the hardest post I have ever had to write. My kitty, Henry, passed away on September 16, 2009 due to complications related to Feline Lower Urinary Tract Disease. He lived a great life. He was the sweetest cat I have ever owned (and I’ve owned a lot!) He was just the perfect pet.

“I believe that God uses pets to help humans learn about love. From pets, we learn mercy, compassion, patience, and understanding — and we also learn what it means to receive unconditional love.”-Moira Anderson Allen, M.Ed.

Henry loved me unconditionally. He loved the dog unconditionally. He loved everyone. I loved him, and I will miss him terribly. His little body just ran out of fuel here on earth- and I just didn’t want him to hurt anymore. So I told him that I loved him, that I was sorry, and that I just wanted him to feel better. I know he’s in heaven with all of my other furry friends. R.I.P. little man.

Henry on the left, enjoying his favorite pasttime- kitty t.v..

He loved to pose for the camera!

Loving on SMF.

Lovin' Life.

The Patient: UPDATE

I went to visit the baby today at lunch. He started purring immediately when he saw me. He’s so sweet.

The Patient. Poor bebe.

The Patient.

I know I’ve talked a TON about my pets on this here blog, so I know most of you are familiar with my wee bebe kitty named Henry. He’s actually not even a baby, but he sort of inherited the name “Baby Henry” when I got him because, well, he was the baby of the animal farm I like to call “Home.”

Henry has always, ALWAYS been the sweetest cat. Actually, he acts more like a dog. He’s “the good one.” Do you know what I mean? Never into trouble. Never acts like a jackass as pees on things. Always up for a cuddle or a snuggle or a nap. He’s basically as close to perfect and lovable as kitty cats get.

Yesterday morning I woke up at 5am to the WORST. CAT FIGHT. IN. AMERICA. I was somewhat thinking  SHUT THE HELL UP as I stumbled out of bed. I saw Henry limping toward me. So I picked him up and put him in bed with me, to keep him away from my other cat (the one SMF refers to as “the Jaguar”). And things were fine. I went back to sleep. Henry cuddled. I got up for work, walked the dog, etc etc etc. And I left for the day.

Around lunch I went home, and there was Henry, laying on the floor, BARELY BREATHING. AND AS GOD AS MY WITNESS I NEARLY LOST MY SHIT right there in my apartment. Because it’s pretty obvious that the moment you are about to lose something/one close to you is the moment you realize just how much you love them. I rushed his furry ass to the vet, crying the entire way. And the poor thing was on his death bed. And I really had no idea what was happening or that he was even sick before that day.

But ironically- my other cat must have known. The vet told me that other cats “pick” on sick cats instinctually. So Tucker must have picked the fight that morning because he knew Henry wasn’t feeling well. I can only imagine the exchange went something like this:

Tucker: Hi Henry. Let’s play.

Henry: Dude. My penis is about to fall off. I can’t.

Tucker: PLAY WITH ME.

Henry: WTF? LEAVE ME ALONE.

And it went on from there. So it turns out Henry has the same thing Tucker has, Lower Feline Urinary Tract Disease. The vet told me that I probably got him neutered to soon, causing some kind of urethra deformity (whatever that means). So Henry is now eating away at whatever savings/credit I had at the Emergency vet, at least until tomorrow. I love that little furball enough to spend a ton of coin on him- but I’m just not sure where to draw the line.

I feel like I can’t be the only pet owner to ever feel this way. It’s so frustrating when you really really really want to do the right thing for your pet, and all the vet can say is “pay X amount or your cat will die. sorry.” It’s just so hard. Henry may just be a cat to some people, but he’s a lot like a kid to me, and I love him so much. I’m hoping my little patient gets to feeling better soon.

I'm Henry. My woo hoo hurts.

Henry, doing what he does best- cuddling.

Happiness is lint rolling yourself before you get out of your car at work…..

So mutt is back, and let me just say that I totally forgot how much that bastard dog sheds. He is WORSE THAN ANY ANIMAL ON THE PLANET. And I know you’re all, No No Ashley, my dog sheds bad too. But trust me here dude, this dog sheds like nothing you’ve ever seen.

Mutt and I have been enjoying lots of outdoor time together, and it’s almost like having a friend to chill with 24/7. I love that dog more than than most humans (besides  a select few) because HE LOVES ME more than ANY HUMAN EVER! That’s not the only reason, but that unconditional love thing goes a loooooooooooong way in my book!

Mutt, examining his prey, Henry.

I love Zilker Park. So does Mutt. We've been going around 8 pm and hanging out in the new grass. Awesome.

Mutt's new bed. Hopefully he'll get one night's use before the cat pisses on it.

Duck. Duck. GOOSE.

YOU HAVE TO READ THIS!: http://www.sperel.com/

Round 2

26. Every time I have to spell a word over the phone using ‘as in’ examples, I will undoubtedly draw a blank and sound like a complete idiot. Today I had to spell my boss’s last name to an attorney and said, “Yes that’s G as in…(10 second lapse). ummm…Goonies”

27. What would happen if I hired two private investigators to follow each other?

28. While driving yesterday I saw a banana peel in the road and instinctively swerved to avoid it…thanks Mario Kart.

29. MapQuest really needs to start their directions on #5. Pretty sure I know how to get out of my neighborhood.

30. Obituaries would be a lot more interesting if they told you how the person died.

31. I find it hard to believe there are actually people who get in the shower first and THEN turn on the water.

32. Shirts get dirty. Underwear gets dirty. Pants? Pants never get dirty, and you can wear them forever.

33. I can’t remember the last time I wasn’t at least kind of tired.

34. Bad decisions make good stories

35. Whenever I’m Facebook stalking someone and I find out that their profile is public I feel like a kid on Christmas morning who just got the Red Ryder BB gun that I always wanted. 546 pictures? Don’t mind if I do!

36. Is it just me or do high school girls get sluttier & sluttier every year?

37. If Carmen San Diego and Waldo ever got together, their offspring would probably just be completely invisible.

38. Why is it that during an ice-breaker, when the whole room has to go around and say their name and where they are from, I get so incredibly nervous? Like I know my name, I know where I’m from, this shouldn’t be a problem….

39. You never know when it will strike, but there comes a moment at work when you’ve made up your mind that you just aren’t doing anything productive for the rest of the day.

40. Can we all just agree to ignore whatever comes after DVDs? I don’t want to have to restart my collection.

41. There’s no worse feeling than that millisecond you’re sure you are going to die after leaning your chair back a little too far.

42. I’m always slightly terrified when I exit out of Word and it asks me if I want to save any changes to my ten page research paper that I swear I did not make any changes to.

43. “Do not machine wash or tumble dry” means I will never wash this ever.

44. I hate being the one with the remote in a room full of people watching TV. There’s so much pressure. ‘I love this show, but will they judge me if I keep it on? I bet everyone is wishing we weren’t watching this. It’s only a matter of time before they all get up and leave the room. Will we still be friends after this?’

45. While watching the Olympics, I find myself cheering equally for China and USA. No, I am not of Chinese descent, but I am fairly certain that when Chinese athletes don’t win, they are executed.

46. I hate when I just miss a call by the last ring (Hello? Hello? Damnit!), but when I immediately call back, it rings nine times and goes to voicemail. What’d you do after I didn’t answer? Drop the phone and run away?

47. I hate leaving my house confident and looking good and then not seeing anyone of importance the entire day. What a waste

48. When I meet a new girl, I’m terrified of mentioning something she hasn’t already told me but that I have learned from some light internet stalking.

49. I like all of the music in my iTunes, except when it’s on shuffle, then I like about one in every fifteen songs in my iTunes.

50. Why is a school zone 20 mph? That seems like the optimal cruising speed for pedophiles…

51. As a driver I hate pedestrians, and as a pedestrian I hate drivers, but no matter what the mode of transportation, I always hate cyclists.

52. Sometimes I’ll look down at my watch 3 consecutive times and still not know what time it is.

53. It should probably be called Unplanned Parenthood.

54. I keep some people’s phone numbers in my phone just so I know not to answer when they call.

55. I think that if, years down the road when I’m trying to have a kid, I find out that I’m sterile, most of my disappointment will stem from the fact that I was not aware of my condition in college.

56. Even if I knew your social security number, I wouldn’t know what do to with it.

57. Even under ideal conditions people have trouble locating their car keys in a pocket, hitting the G-spot, and Pinning the Tail on the Donkey – but I’d bet my ass everyone can find and push the Snooze button from 3 feet away, in about 1.7 seconds, eyes closed, first time every time…

58. My 4-year old son asked me in the car the other day “Dad what would happen if you ran over a ninja?” How the hell do I respond to that?

59. It really pisses me off when I want to read a story on CNN.com and the link takes me to a video instead of text.

60. I wonder if cops ever get pissed off at the fact that everyone they drive behind obeys the speed limit.

61. I think the freezer deserves a light as well.

62. I disagree with Kay Jewelers. I would bet on any given Friday or Saturday night more kisses begin with Miller Lites than Kay.

63. The other night I ordered takeout, and when I looked in the bag, saw they had included four sets of plastic silverware In other words, someone at the restaurant packed my order, took a second to think about it, and then estimate d that there must be at least four people eating to require such a large amount of food. Too bad I was eating by myself. There’s nothing like being made to feel like a fat bastard before dinner.

Nothing sucks more than that moment during an argument when you realize you’re wrong.

So after telling you I wasn’t going to update last night, I realized that I couldn’t NOT share this. My friend Rachel sent it to me. Here is Part 1, or the first 25.

1. More often than not,  when someone is telling me a story all I can think about is that I can’t wait for them to finish so that I can tell my own story that’s not only better, but also more directly involves me.

2. Nothing sucks more  than that moment during an argument when you realize you’re wrong.

3. I don’t understand  the purpose of the line, “I don’t need to drink to have fun.” Great,  no one does. But why start a fire with flint and sticks when they’ve invented  the lighter?

4. Have you ever been  walking down the street and realized that you’re going in the complete opposite
direction of where you are supposed to be going? But instead of just turning a 180 and walking back in the direction from which you came, you have to first do  something like check your watch or phone or make a grand arm gesture and mutter  to yourself to ensure that no one in the surrounding area thinks you’re crazy by randomly switching directions on the sidewalk.

5. That’s enough,  Nickelback (Canadian rock band).

6. I totally take back  all those times I didn’t want to nap when I was younger.

7. The letters T and G  are very close to each other on a keyboard. This recently became all too
apparent to me and consequently I will never be ending a work email with the  phrase “Regards” again.

8. Do you remember when  you were a kid, playing Nintendo and it wouldn’t work? You take the cartridge
out, blow in it and that would magically fix the problem. Every kid in America  did that, but how did we all know how to fix the problem? There was no internet or message boards or FAQ’s. We just figured it out. Today’s kids are soft.

9. There is a great need for sarcasm font.

10. Sometimes, I’ll  watch a movie that I watched when I was younger and suddenly realize I had no
idea what the fck was going on when I first saw it.

11. I think everyone  has a movie that they love so much, it actually becomes stressful to watch it
with other people. I’ll end up wasting 90 minutes shiftily glancing around to  confirm that everyone’s laughing at the right parts, then making sure I laugh  just a little bit harder (and a millisecond earlier) to prove that I’m still
the only one who really, really gets it.

12. The other night I  hit a new low at an open bar. I had already hopped on highway blackout when,
inevitably I had to find a bathroom. Eventually I decided it was probably on  the other side of the bar so I tried to walk over there, but ran into a guy  coming the other way. We played that, Both go left, Both go right game to no
avail, so I finally put out my hand to guide myself past and that’s is when I  realized, yup, that’s a mirror I just tried to walk through. And the guy on the  other side is me. Even cats can re cognize their own image.

13. How the hell are  you supposed to fold a fitted sheet?

14. I would rather try  to carry 10 plastic grocery bags in each hand than take 2 trips to bring my
groceries in.

15. I think part of a  best friend’s job should be to immediately clear your computer history if you die.

16. The only time I  look forward to a red light is when I’m trying to finish a text.

17. A recent study has  shown that playing beer pong contributes to the spread of mono and the flu.
Yeah, if you suck at it.

18. Was learning  cursive really necessary?

19. LOL has gone from  meaning, “laugh out loud” to “I have nothing else to say”.

20. I have a hard time  deciphering the fine line between boredom and hunger.

21. Answering the same  letter three times or more in a row on a Scantron test is absolutely petrifying.

22. My brother’s  Municipal League baseball team is named the Stepdads. Seeing as none of the
guys on the team are actual stepdads, I inquired about the name. He explained,  “Cuz we beat you, and you hate us.” Classy, bro.

23. Whenever someone  says, “I’m not book smart, but I’m street smart”, all I hear is  “I’m not real smart, but I’m imaginary smart”.

24. How many times is  it appropriate to say “What?” before you just nod and smile because
you still didn’t hear what they said?

25. I love the sense of  camaraderie when an entire line of cars teams up to prevent a dick from cutting
in at the front. Stay strong, brothers!

Pressure.

So, when I originally started this I thought it’d be a fun way to keep my friends and family updated on things that were happening in my life. And it’s turned into a lot more than that. So (and this took a lot of thought), I’ve cancelled my website. (This blog will still work, as long as you stick to http://ashleyapple.wordpress.com).

I’ve canceled my sitemeter account (because honestly, I don’t really know ALL of you that read this- nor do I need to know where you live). The comments you leave are nice. Most of the time. And I actually think it’s funny that people actually tell me when I’m “not being funny” anymore. But that’s not why I started this blog, really. And it’s kind of like how water takes a lot longer to boil when you’re STARING at it. And maybe that’s not it, completely. Maybe I finally really love my life and what’s going on in it. And I really love that I’m generally not as pissed off at the world (to quote my SMF.) And I say generally because my life-happiness has no correlation to the stupid shit that seems to pop up every once in awhile and makes me want to jam a pencil in my eye (the being a ‘grown up’ part of life.) But yeah, things are good. That’s all you need to know really.

So long story short, I’m going to keep this up, but probably not as frequently. And I’m not going to know who’s looking at it anymore. Because really, the pressure to keep it up was starting to get to me, and life’s too short.